Fish Out of Water Monologues

These pieces were created from the Fish Out of Water drop-in hosted by The Sketch School. See the bottom for the actual prompts.

Back to Work? Anyone?

Hi Mom!

I’ve returned to work today. In an actual office! I was so excited to get back to work and see everyone! What I didn’t realize was just how much the pandemic affected everyone, and I don’t mean the tendency to continue wearing masks.

Half the people walking into the office refuse to look me in the eye anymore. It’s like they think eye contact can make them sick. If you make them look at you, there’s terror in their eyes! And in the halls, they continue to jump out of each other’s way, running into the walls and the fake potted plants. Brad took out the copy machine in a desperate attempt to avoid Sue.

And then there is the shouting. No one wants to use Slack and email anymore, but they don’t want to be near each other either. So, all communication is done through shouting. Jim stood by my desk and shouted to Bill across the entire floor. I now know entirely too much about Jim’s prostate!

And people have gotten to be so judgmental! Every time I get up from my desk, everyone stares at me. We’ve been in lockdown for over a year! It’s not my fault that that only pants I have that fit me are my Scooby Doo pajama pants!

It’s sure not what I expected when we came back to the office! I’m coming home!



Battalion Log 34F96

We have made first contact with the third planet of the Sol Duck solar system. The locals seem to be an unimaginative species as they named the planet for one of its elements. “Earth”.

With the intent of first contact being in a location that is unthreatening, we choose Orlando, Florida.

Upon landing, the SkeletalChangifinder of Lieutenant Jar’ De’ Hi failed. Rather than appearing as a member of the local species, he appeared to them as himself. We spread out and took precautions in the probable event that we would be attacked by the locals. The expected attack did not happen. Instead, Jar’ De’ Hi was surrounded by the young of the species. They felt free to touch him and some tried to put their arms around him. The parents were not alarmed either. Instead, they held up a device toward Jar’ De’ Hi and the young ones. As we noticed that this species also uses the device on each other, we don’t believe the device is harmful in any way. Jar’ De’ Hi did need a complete decontamination.

The food of this species appears to be completely fried. We took note of the bird they call a “chicken” that is a favorite of this species. Vegetation is also fried. Another favorite is the frying of a small green pepper called a “jalapeno”. Mi’ Ah” Noh was able to procure a sample from a local who was focused on a device similar to the one used on Jar’ De’ Hi. He sampled the food item and was attacked internally with heat and pain. It also appears to be an addictive substance since Mi’ Ah’ Noh attempted to sample it again. The sample was destroyed immediately.

Upon visual and auditory reconnaissance, it appeared that the dominant species of this planet is friendly and trusting. They also appeared to have an innate need to engage in risky behaviors. They willing subject themselves to torture devices that spin them around, hang them upside down, or threaten them with death.

Upon further observation, we realized that it is mainly the young that are friendly, trusting, and risk prone. The older members change their demeanor when their young are otherwise engaged, or they are waiting in line to be tortured. They become despondent and their bodies sag with fatigue.

It is our conclusion that, as a part of the culture, the older members all this behavior engage in these behaviors in order to squelch the exuberant behavior of their young. It’s a form of brainwashing.

As to the question of whether this planet should be considered acceptable as a target of colonization, the answer is unclear. Due to the irrational behavior of the dominant species, it may prove difficult to properly enslave them, even for their own good. Our suggestion is to pass on this planet. If that is not possible, we suggest complete annihilation prior to colonization.

End Battalion Log 34F96


Prompt #1:

Alien arrives in Orlando Florida – the capital of American theme parts – excited by what it has seen there.

Prompt #2:

Front office receptionist returns to work but is horrified to discover that they’ve forgotten how to function around other people.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top